Stand Ye in Holy Places...

turn to the SON and the shadows fall behind you.

SO, here's the thing. I'm a Mormon.

AND, I love it. :)

Did I always? No. Absolutely not.

Here's my story. 

Kids rebel. Don't ask me why, because I don't really know. I honestly can't explain half the stupid things I've done in my life. Maybe it was to fit it? But probably not, I've always had a good selection of good friends. Maybe it was for attention? Which is probable, because I'm very over the top.  Or maybe it was just the fact that I haven't always been this strong-willed.  Stubborn, yes; strong-willed and true to myself, not so much. I really feel bad for girls these days.  I mean, I say "these days" like I know any other days, but really.  I just feel like everything is so backwards. The moral sense is becoming more and more different, it's easier now than ever to just say "Well it's not the worst thing I could be doing" or "That's just what we do these days".  I've used that line before, I'm guilty.  But, it's kind of true.  Everyone is doing it!!!
I think confidence is a really big factor in the "trouble" equation.
It's a tough world, everywhere I go I get judgement vibes.  And maybe it's in my head, but I'm in the heart of Utah County.  It's hard to be as perfect as you are supposed to be.  I think a lot of people probably feel the same way, but maybe I'm just making assumptions.  So, on that note, with as many assumptions that are being made and as much judgement flyin' around, confidence is hard to come by! I think it's even worse for high school aged girls.  It was for me, at least.
That is when it started.  My freshman year, Student Body President.
I may have gotten a little full of myself, especially after beating out the coolest kid I know (seriously though, one of my best friends to this day).
I may have done anything it would take to win. Or at least say I would.
The elections got a little out of control. I made a lot of unrighteous promises. AS A FRESHMAN.
And, as the world goes (as we clearly can note after the most recent election......) the candidate that promises to the majority, wins.  The majority nowadays is unfortunately, in my opinion, fairly corrupt. The people don't want to see righteous, or generous, or sweet. They want promises. Promises that no one will get in the way of their lifestyle.  The world today is very black and white about being so colorful.  You are weird because you are good, or cool because you aren't.
SO. NOT. TRUE.
I didn't know that, though.  I didn't know how dumb I was going to make myself look, doing everything anyone told me to do.  It was my duty. I had to do it, I was the one that everyone knew.  So, no matter what it was, I did it. I couldn't risk not being accepted.  I had to be liked, I was the Prez!

The snowball effect: Story.Of.My.Life.

One thing led to the other and BadaBingBadaBoom, I was a wreck.

So, Freshman year down, and being on my pedestal as I was, I wanted to be a Cheerleader. 

I'm Pro-Cheerleading, don't get me wrong, but it definitely added to my "need to succeed" in the most negative way possible. I think as a leader (whether it be a cheerleader, a member of the student government, or any government for that matter..), you have a couple choices.  You can lead righteously, as I pray for our nation's leaders every day and night, or you can lead by popular demand.  

The latter may lead you down a dead end road. 

It did me, at least.

I feel like to be successful, you must learn how to "put yourself out there".

I learned to THROW myself out there. 

NOT.COOL.

I mean, I'm making a joke here, but seriously. So unattractive.  

But I couldn't see that for myself.  

BLINDED BY THE LIGHT, MANFRED MANN

"Mama always told me not to look in the eye's of the sun, but mama, that's where the fun is.."

Yeah.....

I should have just listened to my mom.

I got blinded.  My moral senses were deadened, and I just didn't care anymore. 

I fell away from the church and stayed away.  

I didn't know who I was, and neither did anyone else. 

My confidence was gone. 

I had no respect for myself, and neither did anyone else. 

My hope was gone.

Until one day, I had had enough.  I didn't feel good about myself, I didn't feel good about my choices anymore.  I was constantly being judged, and turned down by people that were supposed to be friends because we didn't have the same standards.  And for a girl who likes to be loved, rejection because of your standards is hard. 

More than hard, actually.  

I hit total rock bottom. I can't even imagine going back to that point in my life. I actually don't really remember the way it felt, it may not have been that long ago, but it's so far away now.  But the thing I can imagine is the far-away feeling I had.  Trying to look back on my past and the emotions from it is hard, I don't like to think about it, I don't EVER want to feel that way again. It's so hard that I can't mentally put myself back in that place, and I wouldn't EVER put myself back physically. 

That feeling, is the same feeling that I had when trying to imagine a better life. Trying to find the way out.  I was completely buried in the sands of the world. I couldn't see a way out of the mess I was in, and even worse, I didn't realize what I mess I was actually in.  What I did realize, was that I didn't feel good.  I couldn't feel good, it was the worst thing ever.  

It took an invitation.  ONE invitation. A childhood friend had just come home from his mission, and I ran into him in town.  He told me what time the Single's Ward started, and I needed some new friends.  So, on Sunday morning I woke up, got ready, and went to church at 1 o'clock. 

It was actually one of the most brave things I think I have ever done, because you probably can't imagine the looks I got walking into the chapel.  

Word gets around in a small town. No one wanted me there. 

But I stayed, for an hour. 

The cutest missionary couple sat right behind me, and they knew my dad. Everyone knows my dad. He's the greatest man that I know, seriously. They didn't know anything about me, and they accepted me. Probably because they thought so highly of him, but it was enough for me. 

I guess the peer pressure thing goes both ways though, because I went the next week, too.  This time, someone invited me to FHE, it sounded fun, and I had nothing going on so I went.  

My whole life has been based off of appearances.  I went to church twice. I couldn't just stop going, what would they think?!? Terrible quality, but in this instance it was the best thing that ever happened to me.  

My competitive side kicked in and even though I still wasn't making the best choices, I wanted the ward to like me. I was mad that they all thought I was a screw up and didn't belong at church, so my thoughts were "I'll show them."

And show them I did. I went to church every week.  I went to every activity.  It didn't make them like me, but it made me like myself a whole heck of a lot more.  I even talked to the Bishop, which was outrageous for me at the time, because I was pretty defiant, especially towards preach-y people.  I avoided them.  I loved him though, and he just wanted to help me.  

I stared to pray. 

My prayers came slowly but surely, and grew in faith. 

Faith is the first step. 

Well, leap. I took a leap of faith. 

I got pretty far on that leap.  The smallest little testimony of faith and prayer started to form in my heart.  Pretty soon, I started sharing it, and people started noticing the difference.  Which was a relief for me, because the more positive feedback I received, the better I did. 

Months went by, and I was a new person.  I felt real confidence for the first time in my life.  I had real friends again. I was happy.  

Faith still came in leaps.  

I am from a small town, I don't like traffic, I love people, but hate crowds.  I'm know everyone from home, and I like that security.  

I needed a new crowd though. I was running out of options...You're always 17 in your hometown, seriously. 

SO I MOVED TO PROVO

AND HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE. 

Really, honestly, as much as I miss home, the best decision I have ever made.  

These are pictures of my ward.  I have never felt acceptance, or security, or love from anyone (besides family and super close friends) as I have from this ward, and these people. 

I found myself here.  

Being on my own, being alone, I found the hope I lost so long ago.  

And I realized that I'm not alone. Ever.  

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

ETHER 12:27

Truth. 

I know that God will never, ever leave me alone.  

And for that I am grateful.  

my first trip to the temple with my new recommend :)

I overcame my weaknesses. 

I rose above rock bottom. 

I changed my whole life. 

It is possible. 

With God, everything is possible. 

And now I know that I have options.  I don't have to resort to doing stupid things for attention, because

 I know where I stand.